This year has been difficult. At the very start of 2018 I was so depressed I considered suicide. I was in a dark place. However I’m still here, and felling good. I’m going into 2019 with a new outlook on life, be positive, stop playing the victim and try to be happy.
In the first few months of 2018 I received counseling, something that allowed me to get all my feelings off my chest and talk to someone who understood. It was a huge turning point for me, I cut ties with my real father, quit my cleaning job, and I finally started putting my life in order. It was such a relief and I really felt like a weight had been lifted. My mood improved and for the next few months I was on a high. Life was good.
I was confident, I started dating, I found someone I liked from work. Then things hit the fan. I let my barriers down and the guy I liked rejected me. It hurt, a lot. I don’t let my barriers down often, and I had really thought this person felt the same. I was mistaken, and to make matters worse everyone in work knew because I found out at a works party. I hit a low, I was embarrassed and I’d also lost a friend.
I spend the summer constantly repeating the situation over and over in my head. I’d think about it before I went to bed, all the ways I could have avoiding the situation. I tried to enjoy my holidays and my friends were fantastic and kept me busy, but it was always there at the back of my brain, fighting to be heard.
To you this might seems like a small thing to be stressing over, and looking back I realise this now, but back then my brain escalated the situation as is the joys of paranoia and anxiety.
On my return to work I adopted the ‘I don’t care about anything’ faze. I shut down, and built up a wall. (Here I would like to clarify that this wasn’t because of the guy situation, my mood just dropped) I was at a low and then to make matters worse my doctor’s decided to take me off my current medication because I was struggling with the side effects. You can read about that delightful experience here. I had to take time off work, I couldn’t leave the house, and I was incredibly depressed. It wasn’t until December when my new medication kicked in that my mood began to lift.
Towards the end of the year I decided to take up a different outlook on life. I started reading self help books, joined a mental health community and started talking to people going through the same experiences. December ended and I felt happy, positive and excited for 2019.
However difficult this year has been I need to remember all the little things I’ve achieved. I’m learning to drive, looking for jobs, and I’ve started dating. I’m so proud of myself. Would I redo 2018, no, I went through it and came out the other end. We all have struggles in life, be brave and I hope 2019 brings you joy.
Although no one can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. – Carl Bard